Today's Oct 10th 2018

I need to pull myself together. I need to get my shit together.

I'm 27. It's October now. Two more months until its the end of the year once again...

I can't believe how much I haven't accomplished. And I thought that the worst years are far behind me by now. Butt NOPE... It seems as though this year has proven to be x100 times worst than last year. I never knew how much more sad one human being can get. When you think you've felt the worst of the worst, life throws you a surprise shit party and introduce you to a whole new level of sad. 

Me & T broke up today for the millionth time. 

Every time we get weaker and more impatient with each other.

I don't know how to even start to explain the shit we're in. It's been over a year worth of drama's to type out...

Coming back to this old blog and taking a trip down memory lane makes me feel like I've became so much more stupid...

Ever since the break up with K, I just lost myself completely. I let myself go. 

I drowned myself into a bottomless pit of misery.

I wanted to die so much that I didn't care what happened to me.. But thank GOD I was always protected by some sort of miracle angel even when I never asked to be. So many times I've been so stupid..

I want to be done being stupid. I want to be better.

I want to have a better life.

I can't die like this. I can't die miserable...

Zomg dead blog. Hi. I keep coming back to find that you still exist!!! Thank you Blogspot/blogger for not disappearing nor deleting my account. I do enjoy reading back on all my old posts XD Entertaining AF!!! Omg so much has changed now.. and I don't have the time to update yet. But maybe soon I will, since there probably isn't a single eye that I know who would be reading this by now. It's always been therapeutic to write down my most honest feelings and shit somewhere.. So Imma start doin that again :) Until the next time I'm free.. BYEEEEE

Bullets Family

Hi dead blog~

after many months i decided to update for fun =P . . .

This is me Bullets team ~ ^@^ *missing afew peeps* I love them to death~

we finished 3rd place in c3 =) . . . But it don't matter . . I'm glad I got to compete with them~ haha . .

This has to be the best team ever . . In relationship wise ;) . . . we're like a 2nd family to each other. . . All brother's and sisters =) . . . Its love~ Its beautiful ^@^

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After the competition I didn't see most of them for quite awhile... was really sad. . but when I saw everyone again . . I felt like crying . . After missing them for so long . . . and seeing them again was like the peak of my happiness . . . wanted to hug everyone and drag them into a box to keep them forever =P . . .

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aside from that, I've been real bummed out since yesterday . . . night . . lol . . . i feel like i need to get out. . but I feel lazy . . I can't explain this feeling . . Its beyond words can describe. . . i think it hurts. . . i think its confusing. .. i think its hanging. . . i think its troubling . . . i don't know. . . I always smile the pain away . . laugh my miseries off . . . always hiding behind dark curtains. . . hoping to jus not get notice . . living life invisibly . . . so I won't get into anything or any trouble . . but still looking for something . . But I don't know what i'm looking for . . I'm just a lil lost . . or very lost. . . Just need someone who will believe me . . be proud of me . . notice me . . love me? . . . lol . .

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k i'm lazy to write or spill anymore. . .

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XOXO's

I've lost innocence that I once had

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What can I do?

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Everyday is a challenge for me

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I smile I laugh I forget everything bad for a moment,Then it comes back...All my mistakes,all the darkness

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I block all feelings and emotions from getting to me,but it seems life is bringing me down on its own universal ways

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The more I try to keep happy and joyful,the worst life gets.Is the devil trying to do something? Am I being tested here?? Am I to pay for my past mistakes?

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Have I brought so much on myself?

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I'm living in silent regrets,what can I do to what has been done

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I move away from the past

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I'm a sinner

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I'm fighting for what I ought to believe in

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I'm lost,hoping to be found

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I don't know where to go,what to do,or what I'm doing anymore

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I'm a devil

I'm an angel

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XOXO's

I FUCKING LOVE THEM~!!!

T.T these are my girls

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I love them to bits

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I'm literally speechless lah

They got me these... Because I recently bought these same exact things.. but I lost them...And I was going thru some hard time... was really upset about the whole week of fucked up things... and then... they just touched my heart everyday T.T ALWAYS MAKING ME CRY!!! T.T sobs... I love them

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Christine also!! she got me and Jolene Justin Bieber cd's~ T.T

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Thru these weeks... I've realised how blessed I am... No matter how much I've lost... I've always had the best by side, I was just too sad to realise it... I'm forever grateful for all the blessings I have in my life... And all the people whom I love oh so much

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I love them since the beginning! But the thing's they do for me just ... seriously... *touched* I'm literally crying still since bout an hour ago.. i duno if i'm just happy or over joyed or more!! T.T

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You guys are my lifesaver... I will forever Keep you in my heart... T.T God know's it~

My dinner

Emo one corner~

Strawberry and choc... freggin BLISS~~~

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XOXO's

Tumblr.

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Just started a new account in tumblr... seems pretty cool!!! =D

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so I most prob will blog there more... depends... or both at the same time!!! ahahaha

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well not like it matters anyways... doubt many ppl read my blog newayz =P so its like i'm talking to my own head yeah?

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^@^

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Tumblr is sooo pretty~!

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KAY

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GNITE!! =3

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XOXO's

ღ

You can be the peanut butter to my jelly
You can be the butterflies I feel in my belly
You can be the captain
And I can be your first mate
You can be the chills that I feel on our first date
You can be the hero
And I can be your side kick
You can be the tear
That I cry if we ever split
You can be the rain from the cloud when it's stormin'
Or u can be the sun when it shines in the mornin'

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Don't know if I could ever be
Without you 'cause boy you complete me
And in time I know that we'll both see
That we're all we need
Cause you're the apple to my pie
You're the straw to my berry
You're the smoke to my high
And you're the one I wanna marry

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Cause you're the one for me (for me)
And I'm the one for you (for you)
You take the both of us (of us)
And we're the perfect two
We're the perfect two
We're the perfect two
Baby me and you
We're the perfect two

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You can be the prince and I can be your princess
You can be the sweet tooth I can be the dentist
You can be the shoes and I can be the laces
You can be the heart that I spill on the pages
You can be the vodka and I can be the chaser
You can be the pencil and I can be the paper
You can be as cold as the winter weather
But I don't care as long as were together

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Don't know if I could ever be
Without you 'cause boy you complete me
And in time I know that we'll both see
That we're all we need
Cause you're the apple to my pie
You're the straw to my berry
You're the smoke to my high
And you're the one I wanna marry

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Cause your the one for me (for me)
And I'm the one for you (for you)
You take the both of us (of us)
And we're the perfect two
We're the perfect two
We're the perfect two
Baby me and you
We're the perfect two

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You know that I'll never doubt ya
And you know that I think about ya
And you know I can't live without ya
I love the way that you smile
And maybe in just a while
I can see me walk down the aisle

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Cause you're the apple to my pie
You're the straw to my berry
You're the smoke to my high
And you're the one I wanna marry
Hook
Cause your the one for me (for me)
And I'm the one for you (for u)
U take the both of us (of us)
And were the perfect two
Were the perfect two
Were the perfect two
Baby me and you
We're the perfect two(yeah, yeah)

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XOXO's

So stubborn,so high off pride,she thinks to herself " I won't till you do first " vice versa

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I'm gonna do it, No I'm not,It messes with her mind.Blurring all judgement unable to decide

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She need's,she wants,she ....(i can't find that word) ...

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alone,the feeling that eats you up till your left to nothing

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Pierced through the heart with a hot burning dagger fresh from the heat of a fiery forge

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Leave,Stay,just hold my hand

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She may be confused about a lot of things but she knows is that the only time she's truly happy is when she's with him

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XOXO's

Why am I down?

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I've already gone through so much... Whats worst is that i've been having the worst weeks...Was cheered up awhile a lil... But then more came crashing down... I'm not completely giving up on life... But... I feel the temptation to be reckless all over again...Macam mana???

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LOL stupid B.M came out naturally...Been studying all day since 2 days ago... All in BM!!! @.@ ... Hard to concentrate... thinking... we were fine like just a few days ago... But now... it was all cause I had to bring up that subject all over again... *stupid me* lol.. only self blame

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"It will be ok,everything's gonna be fine"

Not realising that everything isn't ok nor fine

"I wanna hold you all night and never let you go"

Seems like a thousand blue moon has to pass for that to happen

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Does your heart speak of different languages from your mind?

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Why would it be so hard to understand?

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Does your insecurities blur your judgement of what is right and wrong?

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Does the guilt in your soul blacken your days?

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Have you really lost your ways?

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Have you forgotten your values

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You've let it go,You can grab it back.. You just choose not to... And this is where you are

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STUCK

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stuck in a place you don't wanna be in,but refuse to leave

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You think you're the only one at war?

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In between evil and good

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Please save her

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XOXO's

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You set my soul at ease
Chased darkness out of view
Left your desperate spell on me
Say you feel it to
I know you do
I've got so much more to give
This can't die, I yearn to live
Pour yourself all over me
And I'll cherish every drop here on my knees

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I wanna love you forever
And this is all I'm asking of you
10,000 lifetimes together
Is that so much for you to do?
Cuz from the moment that I saw your face
And felt the fire in your sweet embrace
I swear I knew.

I'm gonna love you forever

My mind fails to understand
What my heart tells me to do
And I'd give up all I have just to be with you
and that would do
I've always been taught to win
And I never thought I'd fall
Be at the mercy of a man
I've never been
Now I only want to be right where you are.

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In my life I've learned that heaven never waits no
Lets take this now before it's gone like yesterday
Cuz when I'm with you there's nowhere else
That I would ever wanna be no
I'm breathing for the next second I can feel you
Loving me ... I'm gonna love

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XOXO's

What can I say?

Valentine's was a bliss

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In a way that will be remembered always

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I'm not talking bout just romantic's ppl~! I'm talking bout memorable in so many ways... Its like a perfect disaster??? i don't know how else I can put it in words~ Its wasn't bad.. but it was awesome and funny and fun and scary... too much to describe... Just know that it's memorable...

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Suppose to be studying now... But just can't concentrate... My vision is blurred

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I've been punched metaphoricly speaking

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I don't know why it should be expected to happen sometime soon or whatever... I don't expect anything bad from anything... Thing's happen...I wanna fix it... But it's always the other one who wants to live with how things are and go on with life as it is....

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How would you know if this is where life is suppose to go? Why not just step out of life? Take a risk... Take that chance... How can you tell me that you won't have regrets if you've never tried?

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You're haunted by you're insecurities and past and everything else behind you...You let that bother you too much for you to realise how short life is... Life happens... don't reject it thinking that time is all you need... I'm not rushing you up... But you've had all the time in the world... Would you wanna look back in 50 years time and wish that you've not been like this ?

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Everything that bother's you is all in your head... No one is stopping you... Don't let opportunities pass you by... Grab it and don't let it go... Cause you'll never know if you'll ever get that chance again

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Don't ignore what you feel in your heart... Sometimes its your mind that you follow too much.. You've let yourself slip through the dark...When will you start to look up and find the light? Isn't life worth the fight? You should know by now that you give up too easily... You give up on yourself way too easily... You used to be so full of light and joy... Now you're only giving yourself away to evil and drowning in the dark hoping time will help you out of it... But no... untill you've realised it.. time is only there to procrastinate... Only you can make the stand to change and fight for yourself

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Don't think no one know's what you're going through... Everyone definetly know's.. no matter how bad it is... Its all the same shit... The more you drown in it... the more you will cry out for help... But no one can help you... Everything is within your hands

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If you even care... You'd take this in strongly...

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Ignorance is just an excuse

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XOXO's

P.s~ thx for everything... =)

I've been BUSY!

hahahah sooo i've decided not to private this.... BLOG.. instead... i've created another private one ;D

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nyehehehe~ so more personal things shall be in that one.. =3

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DEAD~! wahahaha... too much to update that everything seems outdated d

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blah~ =3 been busy anyways...

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XOXO's

nth much to say

Quicks update *MERRY BELATED CHRISTMAS~~*

Awhhh mannn~ i missed out on posting and updating loadz of things!!! bumz~ been sooo super duper busy =/

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*not really*

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hehe been gaming a whole lot since my oldest bro came back *yay* HE'S SOOO DIFF NOW!!! like 80% diff... hahaha he's soo.... friendly??? OMIGOSHHH~~ its like... the U.S makes you diff... *i don't noe what i'm saying*

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he's just nicer... feel bad that i haven't went out with him.. that much bumz~ But i shall BRING HIM SHOPPING!!! *oh so weird* stating the fact that i've only been out with him for ONCE in my life... *unintentionally* AWKWARD~~ SERIOUSLY!

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Me and my oldest brother never had the close sibling bond... we weren't even friends... more like... neighbors that barely spoke to each other... soo seeing him in such a diff angle and a totally diff person... is just... TOO WEIRD!! 19 years of my life i knew him as a fierce uncaring OVERPROTECTIVE mean brother... now its like... he died and rose from the dead or some shit... the other 20% that is still intact with him since last time is that he still gets VERY angry when he games XD~~~ ahahahaha~ now he curses less....*or at least he tries to* WAHAHAH...

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kayz im super tired... that's all i feel like blogging now... GNITE~!

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XOXO's

I'VE DECIDED~!!! unless i change my mind =D

oh dayum he's hot~ i don't know who this is~ but was looking to put a picture =)

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hahaha *tssss*~

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anyways~ YES PEOPLE! I HAVE DECIDED!!!

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TO~!!!

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are you ready?

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hehehe

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I've

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decided

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to

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PRIVATE my BLOG! =3

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hahaha not joking ~ i dunno why... but unless you can change my mind XD hahahaha

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private it for... fun~ i'll private it by end of this month ^@^~ after new years~

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I'm not sure if i want to~ since i'm so lazy~ maybe i'll private it FOREVER~ or maybe just for awhile... like a few months till i wanna unprivate it again =D

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so yeah~ I haven't been able to update much cause some WOMAN *len* din giv my pictures T.T~

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kayz i have also decided to quit some stuff's~ time for changes ^@^~ and maybe learn new things~ hehehe... SHALL update ya'll if anything~ hahx

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Love , peace and hope ppl!

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XOXO's

ღ

For a moment you had me in your grasp,It took only a second for me to get loose and fall from you

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For a moment you had your eyes on me,It took only a second for me to disappear to thin air

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For a moment it was daylight in our world,Now darkness covers your lonesome sky

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For a moment you had the world in your hands,You let it go too easily and now its gone

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For a moment you had a choice to make,Now you're wishing in regrets

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For a moment you thought it was fine,By the time you turn around you realize what you've lost

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For a moment you knew what you had,Now you forgot how you lost it

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For a moment you cherished the wrong things,Now you've got what you deserved

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For a moment you stick up your nose in pride,Now you crawl on the ground in tears

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For a moment you thought It was perfect

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Now, You know... You were wrong

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XOXO's

=D

THE END~~ HAHAHAHAH

Talking to the moon~

Bruno Mars =D

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Today again~ was cheer... Had some falls... but its alrite ^@^~ a reason why i love cheer~ haha tml i have to get up early to do hair in KL @.@~

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WHY!?

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=(

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=D

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My lips are half swollen.. and a lil red.. at the bottom.. lol~ I feel so bad and careless =/...sorry Charissa ~ My fault

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OMG AN ANT!!!

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shit dunno where it went... oh well =D

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Im... sooooo sad/happy~ wahahahaha

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listening to lovely/emo songs~ I LOVE BRUNO MARS~ he's MV for grenade seemes to not really make sense... but even if it doesn't make sense... it was so sad ='(

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Yum~ toothpaste =3

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GoodLuck SPM-ers! =D ya'll will do well ^@^~ wheee

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Think my Dec will be booked everyday =(....I wanna game la... can't wait for my bro to come back from U.S!!! I wanna play OverLord!!! since i din get to finish it since he packed all his console games =(.... wheeee and also I missed him! ahahahaha...kinda.. in a way... weird.. but yeah i kinda do miss him!!! I HOPE HE GETS A GF SOON!!! I WANNA HAV A SISTER IN LAW THT I CAN STARE AT! LMAOOO~... ok ... guess she'd be creeped out by me ?.. =(

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k la... its too early... im gonna TRY to sleep... hehehe.... after checking some pics out ^@^~

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Gnite pplz~

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Wish i had a camera =(...i dunno why..

hehehe

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XOXO's

Sooo tired and crazy

I'm... sooo tired... ~

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Today was SOTA~

StateOfTheArtsKL~

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1st part was ok la and funny...Paul Moss seemed diff from tv XD less scary i guess...Daphne Iking was hilarious!!! loved her to bits!!!

and the rest was okok~ hahah Was getting tired after..then last one was the Funny Botak guy who does stand up comedy!~ HE WAS SUPER FUNNY! gosh... Laughed till tummy pain! maybe tht's why im tired now...

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Then after they had like a 2 or 3 hour break in between... so Me and Justin went to Pyramid to eat dinnar~~ and find jolene...

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After tht~ We went back to church...By the first 5 minutes... the whole place was already packed!! gosh...lucky we lined up XD~

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So blablabla all the performances were great =D Ran into missed faces~ Love the atmosphere of church when ppl are going around talking...Spotted J,E and D ;D hehehehe *inside joke with jolene*WAHAHAHHAHAAHH

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was planning to sims the night thru.. butt...ishhh~ I had the urge to practice dance.. so i did.. then suddenly i'm on9... and got lazy..my ass was stuck to the chair d T.T soooo tired!! I think i'm falling asleep here...

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zzz

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k la... i go...

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yeah i'll jus go first =D

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XOXO's

Over dueee~

TOILET~!

Haha this was taken at some toilet in an AMAZING hotel~

Its bigger than my room!!! =D ~ Girls jus love a pretty toilet ^@^~ *to camwhore toooo*

okaaaaeeeeeiiii~ This was like last month =P oct... Kraft's performance

Really long over due... hahahhaa

Love my team =) a bunch of colorful ppl~

*bruises* I love cheer ^@^~

*carpet burnnnn* REALLY~!!!

FLUFFY!!

Since my maid went back for holiday... food in the house has been sooo sad =(

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I feel fat and broke...2 bad combinations!

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Sometimes no food at home at all~! and not like I wanna go out to eat everyday D=

Family dinnar~

The BEAUTIFUL Caramel

Very pampered spoiled precious baby dog -.-~ insane devil~ wahahahaha

He likes to sleep on his back like a human~ i duno why =P

anddd he likes... things... on his... face????

A ramly burger~xtra cheese X3 wahahaha. I love it messy~!

Human like~

NINJA!

2 Ninja's and 1 Big Boss~ with cheese and bacon

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This was all for me incase u wonder =D wahahahahahaha

Big boss~

Kayz i din eat all finish.. i ate big boss till like quarter left... then i left it... and ate finish the other 2 small ninja's~ rawr~!

Someone gave me roses ;D

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nawwwhhh ... no one would be that nice to give me roses for no reason other than my mommy XD~ which was her's in the first place -.-~ buttt pretty yeah??? heheheheh~~

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Kayzzz i shall blog about today =D since I never really always blog bout my everyday boring life hahahahahahaha -.-

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Woke up...I forgot wat I did after that... But Somehow I went out after awhile.Met Chong...since he no car to go do his stuff... I'm such a good fren to Let him drive my car around =D,first we went to buy his bus ticket..It was starting to drizzle*still ok la*

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After that we spent like 30 minutes plus going around ss15 and taipan looking for a place to eat... But me being grumpy*hungry* and picky*specific* I kept rejecting every place he suggested to go to... till i din really have appetite ..so I asked him go pay his saman at MPSJ first...

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so off we went... He parked somewhere at the parking place... which is outdoors...*giggles* Then he went in... I DIN NOE HE'D TAKE SOOO LONG TO JUS PAY SAMAN.. soooooooooo~ by the time he was done...*doomed song plays* IT WAS RAINING LIKE BANJIR!!!! hahahahahah which i din noe was tht heavy... cuz earlier on when it was jus bout to start raining heavier... I saw this 3 woman walking so relaxingly to their car which was parked much further than where my car is

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Then Chong kept asking me to drive to the shade place... But as I am... I din wan to ...And I din noe where the heck he was talking bout -.-~ when all he kept saying was ' the place there...The one got shade,neeeh near the field there ' =.= wat direction is tht la dei~?

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So anyways he was like... k la... I walk... Tho I DID offer to bring unbrella to him.. but he was like nvm la...~ HAHAHAHAHAH ._.~

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AND THEN

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then

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THEN RIGHT!!

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*giggles*

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He walked thru the rain...

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and when he got in

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*giggles louder*

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He was like...stoned face,And I stunned staring at him...HE WAS soooo dripping wet.. like literally ...Its like he jus came out from a pool . i lmao-ed like shit while sticking tissue paper to him everywhere .. I REALLY DIN NOE IT WAS RAINING THT HARD~!!!LOL~!!!!! i felt really bad tho

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Newayz... in the end we din get to eat cuz i had gym.. Gym was fun... i can tik tok easier now ..without freezing wahahaha~

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after Gym i had to rush home cuz I forgot to bring my shoe's for cheer...so i was kinda late when i got bak since it was soo bloody jam! like since noon!! sooo irritating... but I wasn't driving neways heheheheh

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Cheer was fun =D played the blind person game... really funny =P

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Whee really happy bout all the new members who joined the team ^@^~

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Hope next year's ppl who are coming and coming back will actually keep coming back -.-~

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HEHE~ LOVES~

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kayz... its late =D I shall SLEEP!

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later~

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XOXO''S

Sims3 craze~ 1

Din take pics before this... BUT this is My daughter,Angel something i forgot

I dunno who the boy playing with her is -.-

So cute~

Her unmarried parents~ her dad's a bastard who has like 16 other kids with bout 4 to 5 diff womans~ wahahahhaaaaa u will see the main one in awhile

Erik Treasure the Sports legend ,Dad and Desiree Jewel the currently unemployed but will be a mad scientist later on..., mom

wheee

This is Agnus Crumplebottom~ The dad's other gf who he had 6 kids with... yay~

First child.. If I showed you the rest you'd get confused.. so =P

Mom's old -.-

Grow up ~

Angel Is now a teenager~ awww~

Tomboy teenager~

They're moving... Oh yeah dad grew old too ~

Angel met Aaron Rocker~

When they moved to their new house~

soo purty~

Angel grew again to a

Young Adult =D

Pretty~~

She loves painting and writing~

While Aaron loved to rock, And is now a rockstar~

Angel tried the military career? But it din work out.Then she joined the law inforcement career but quit to be a house wife~

Wheee proposed~

omg its so shiny~!

Hug me bitch~

okay~

Oh no... mom died in such a wreck -.-*results from some explosion at work*

I'm shinnyyy~~

Desiree: nooo don't let me diee... Grim : Go to hell Bitch!

i don't know why he cleaned my floor -.-

lalala~ I made her a pretty grave~

She was the sweet MAD scientist mother...

WHEEE better get married b4 dad dies too ~

pretty setting??? =D

Sometimes mom still comes to visit from the grave...

to watch tv???

and....sleep -.-..~~

But she has to return at sunrise

Angel ~

Morning sickness

SHE'S PREGNANT!!!

Pop~! here's the baby boy =3 and daddy Aaron

He's name is......... oh shit I forgot -.-

daddy Aaron is turning to an adult now~

WOW~!!!.... no difference -.-~

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Till next time =)

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XOXO's